So I enter a period of great unrest…..

My sister and brother-in-law are currently expecting their first baby, as I type it is 3 days past its due date. This make me feel obviously very excited but more than that, rather selfishly I cannot help but think that it is the end of an era. My sister and I are very close. We live relatively near one another and spend a good deal of time together. It’s what we do when we spend time together that is probably now changed for good. Weekends would see us eating a late breakfast together in the greasy spoon, along the road from my flat. Spending hours over coffee and cake catching up on all our news. Meeting for lunch in the city and time disappearing along with the wine….

Now my sister’s priorities have changed forever. My mum and Dad are thrilled at the prospect of becoming Grandparents and have thrown themselves into buying clothes and blankets with great gusto. I spent the other Sunday at my parents for lunch; my sister and her husband were there too. Chat was almost exclusively about the baby and plans for the summer and greater future. I sat there thinking ‘what about me?’ I know, I’m 30 and I need to get a grip but still I couldn’t help it. I don’t know what my future is. I have no plans for my summer. I’m not sure I’ll even have a job come July.

I’m sure when the baby comes I’ll be swept up in all the love along with the rest of my family and I’ll be a great pank (professional auntie no kids!) who I’m sure will spend needless amounts on money on clothes, toys and ludicrous khiels baby toiletries. It is the sense that the family is moving on and I am not, that has me feeling so uneasy. My sister’s happiness, excitement and dread at this new chapter in her life highlights that I have no such feelings or events in mine. Please don’t misunderstand I am not looking to become a mother, not just now and maybe not ever, but as my family plan together and get excited together, it signifies that I am alone and when I leave them all after a nice dinner I go home to my flat alone. I worry about my career and renewal of my contract, my bills and mortgage payments, my summer and holidays, my friends and their kids, my plans for the future and I do it alone.